what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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