im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
But we have bathrooms and they dont
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
