They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
