hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
