a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
