My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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