You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
