Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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