gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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