dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
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Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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