i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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