i already hear my dad disowning me
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
