puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
