One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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