with your own penis?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
