Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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