my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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