if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
