so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Randomize
