she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
