i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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