Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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