I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
