The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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