This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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