I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
