Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
