i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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