No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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