If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story