Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm always down for nudity.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
