yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
