i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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