So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
