i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
