Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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