if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
