when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
