I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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