if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
