And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
we're so committed to being not committed
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