I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
