can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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