You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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