i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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