just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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