I wish I could teleport
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
