Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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