Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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