did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we made out on top of his cat.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
