Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
