My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
