My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
