I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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