I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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