I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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