i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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