i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
