I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
