just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
