Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
